Why God?

I am starting to re-blog some of my old blogs now.  Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I am enjoying going back to that place…. Of course I am in a little bit better place now, but I don’t ever want to forget.

I am laying here, just staring off into space…

My normal daily occupation now. My ritual. You would think that would give me time to think. Maybe, Maybe if I could remember. Remember ANYTHING!

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Mike and Anna at Animal Kingdom, 2011

I wake and see a face. It is my Daughters face, so they tell me. It means nothing to me now. I draw a blank. Laying here I let out a grunt.

People, strangers run to my side to assist. I do not know them now or why they are all running to me. It is all blank. Empty.   These are just a few of my thoughts now.

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Many here have been ripped apart lately due to tragic loss. A 14 year old lost to Cancer.  A 62 year old lost to Cancer.

Another in his prime to a choking incident. And just last week a teen suicide.  I lay here and ask one question. Why?  Why should so many suffer so often? How can this be a grand plan? How can this be part of a larger picture? And why can I not remember?  ANY OF THEM!

My heart aches for their loss and for my non-ability to remember, or even to feel.  I do not know what cries louder now, my tears? Or my heart.  Friends call, worried sick, wanting nothing more than to comfort me. Yet I have no recollection. No memories, no feelings.

In a truly Loving God, why are there no answers to my questions? I quite often cry out in pain, with no understanding of why I hurt. They remind me frequently that I have Cancer. Hours later they have to re-live it all over again because I have forgotten.  Why?

Why must things happen that are so cruel and have no understanding? And why can not I remember?  They spend time with me each day now reminding me of my Children. Imagine playing a game to recall your flesh and blood. Imagine your Child coming to you for comfort, and you can not remember. Them that this. Why does this happen? Why does a young life have to end so tragically without any understanding or explanation?

Why do I keep re-living each day, hanging by a thread as they keep telling me. How is this right? Although I can not remember any longer, I have lived a full life. Why do so many have to end and I keep hanging on? I do not understand. I do not know the answers. I guess in so many different ways I can say that I truly do not know you now.  You are my redemption. You are my salvation. Why? If this is to be the case. Why? Why must you wait so long ?

 

This was a post I did back on the 18th of July of 2014.  Things weren’t going so well back then and I had to have help with this one. Obviously, things turned around for a few years since. I Love going back to these to remember.  Remember where I was and where I am now, regardless of how this ends up.  

Looking back now, Brain Cancer is a big part day to day. Depending on the areas of the brain that the tumor rests on determine those complications on those days. This particular part was during memory issues.  And now?  Now I think the reason I am still around is to be able to give insight to how it was.  

This is for :

Steven; Walter; Chris and Hunter.

Annoying Expiration Dates

 

I remember back when I got that news.  Some of you know how that feels.  ” Mr. Terrill, I am so sorry to have to tell you…..”  It’s the worst thing you can hear.  Literally. The ABSOLUTE worst!  But then you get thinking about it after you get over the shock.  It’s Human Instinct I think to try to look at the bright side.  With something like this, I think it is your survival instinct kicking in, otherwise it would be raining terminally ill suicide victims from the skies.

I can remember sitting the Kids down.  Again, another absolutely, horribly hard thing to do.  Jenn and I had that look on our faces that I know gave it away before we tried to ” gently hand them the news.”  To this day I don’t know who I was kidding.  How can you gently smack someone upside the head with a sledgehammer? Because that is exactly what it was like.  To us!  I still can’t fathom being in their shoes.  But I did try to show them the bright side, if there was one.  I tried telling them that ” everyone dies.  We all get older, deal with issues and then move on. ”  It is the circle of life.  Our Parents raise us, we have time to sow our wild oats, then we raise our Kids and then they bury us and continue on.  It sounds cruel, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

I told the kids that the bright side for us was that we had an idea of how much time we had.  Some aren’t that lucky.  It’s up in the morning, kiss the Wife and Kids while grabbing for that piece of toast and cup of coffee and out the door to work.  Crossing the street that ill-fated bus comes by and that’s it.  Or you feel your heart thump and then never ever feel again.  At least we have an idea.  That was truly what I believed.  That we were special.  Looking back.  The only thing I was, was full of crap!

The problem with Expiration Dates is that, after a while they begin to rule your world. Everything becomes about that. About running your butt off to do this, to say that before it’s ” times up.”  Every conversation becomes about ” when the time comes.”  Even your attitude and your mood swings are effected.  Either it’s ” Here I am dying, and so and so is treating me like…..” or it’s ” everyone is pitying me, treating me like……”  There is just no winning.  You find yourself not making plans.  Even worse, your entire Family, especially the Kids are no longer planning.  You then proceed to make this two-sided also.  On one hand you are horrified that your Family is no longer looking to the future.  But on the other hand, it begins to look like everyone is off on the sidelines, just waiting for you to die so they can start to live again.

Those Annoying expiration dates.  Remember looking in the fridge and seeing that gallon of milk about to expire?  What do you do?  You drink it quick.  Quicker than normal so you can get your money’s worth and not waste it.  Right?  Same thing with living with an expiration date.  Everything has to be done now.  You drive everyone nuts with the ” I Love You’s”, you drive others nuts with ” trying to get right with the Lord.”  Now I am in no way saying that coming to terms and coming to Jesus is a bad thing.  Absolutely not.  Better late than never, never had a more profound meaning than that.  But here’s my issue.  All these things?  All these little and larger things that an ” expiration ” date drives us to do?  Why the hell weren’t we doing it all along ?  Of course this is hard.  Of course this is excruciating. Knowing we are at our end drives us to do crazy, impulsive things.  It also stops us from doing other things also.  But think about it.  It just might not be so bad or so tragic if we were doing them all along.  The Kids and Spouse need to be treated like it’s your last day, Every Day!  That bucket list shouldn’t be an end of life list.  It should be a ” every day I’m alive ” list.  And more importantly,  God doesn’t magically appear when you are given an end of life expectation.  He’s been there the entire time. You just have to open your eyes and open your heart.  Those of you reading this that haven’t experienced what Myself and others have, an expiration date.  Here’s something to think about.  You have one.  You just don’t know it yet…….

 

 

Her

I’ve been blogging on and off for a few years now.  About Cancer, about current events, even just about my thoughts on stuff…..  but never,  about Her… 

 They warn you all the time to be careful, that when you don’t expect it,  well….  Have to say,  7 years into a terminal cancer diagnosis, the last thing I EVER expected was for someone to walk in and steal my heart.  This journey has brought me just about everywhere.  Cancer groups, Blogs, Walk for Life relays, you name it.  I have met so many people on this journey, so when someone walks in, whether in person, on the phone, even online and introduces themselves you just don’t think, hmmm.  Until You do !

I remember when we met.  You asked me if it was ok if we talked.  I remembering saying yes,  that was the last time I had any control.  From that point on it was all automatic.  I had no say.  One moment I was saying Hello, before I knew it I was thinking,  I Love You! 

 

 

This entire journey, all 8 years of it now have been spent in darkness.  One miserable road block after the next.  Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t done it alone. There have been many Family members and Friends, but at the end of the day, when it’s time to lay down and face my demons, it’s been tough, and lonely.

 

But sure enough, that Hello opened up the Heavens. It was like pulling apart the drapes for the first time in years. First a single ray of sunshine. Every day after that there was more light. It continued until my entire World was once again bright and my heart was warm. Then thru the light came you,  my Angel.

You filled a void.  No longer do I feel like I am alone.  Every second of the day is filled by you and with you. You are in the sky and the sun, the wind, and the Earth beneath me.   

For me,  there hasn’t been much hope in a long time.  There hasn’t been much light in my life in years.  Positive events and conversations that happen each and every day haven’t been a staple in my life either for me in awhile.

But life did see fit to give me one more chance to smile before this is all over.  One more opportunity to dream………..

Life finally saw fit to give me Her,

 

 

Positively Inspired

                There’s something you don’t see everyday.  A terminally ill cancer patient talking about being inspired.  Well, this one doesn’t anyway. Lol  But what can I say?  Somedays you just gotta wake up and say ” I’m thankful.”  ” No matter how bad life sucks, today it doesn’t!”

Some days it is important to forget.  Forget your worries, forget your financial drama and everything else that brings you down.  It is easy to get caught up in our troubles.  I mean, get real. I have terminal brain cancer and I could wake up each day moaning and groaning about how unfair life is.  Actually, I do that most days. Lol  But every once in awhile I remember….

I remember that I am still waking up. I am still Loved and still able to Love. Funny thing is.  When I forget the worries and start my day off positive?  The entire day kind of goes that way.  So what do ya think?  How about YOU go out and get a healthy dose of Inspiration to help you get thru your day?  I mean, if I can do it,  I think you have a shot!

Says the terminally Ill cancer patient… LOL  Have a great day ! 

Dying to Live

My life, or the end was determined several years ago.  Struck down in my prime by that silent killer, cancer.

I was fine with that.  Bring on the end.  No reason to live.  No hope to go on.

Now we fast-forward to nearly the end.  You walk into my life.  The dark clouds part.  The sun shines for the first time in years.  The warmth on my face.  The warmth in my heart.

Suddenly Life needs to go on.  Suddenly Life MUST go on.  Love can grow.  Love must grow.

 

Now that I have found Love.  There must be no dying here!    

Just a random thought I had today while laying here.  Thinking.

Grasp of the Reaper

I’ve been blogging for years now.  Almost as long as I’ve been dealing with Cancer.  Back in the beginning I added the Grim Reaper and Mr. C as I call him, or Cancer to my blogs to help my Children as well as others really be able to visualize this journey.  And what a journey it has been….

In my blogs as well as my cancer groups I would talk almost humorously about the antics of those two. It always had a comic ring to it so as to not scare the kids.  But that was then.  Over the years Mr. C or Snidely Whiplash from Dudley Do Right as I always pictured him has faded from the picture, leaving behind the Reaper.  Always lurking in the dark now, nothing humorous at all now, he himself has taken on a more ominous look and feel.

                                  Yes, I said feel.  You see, I can feel him now.  The most brutal weapon in Reaper’s arsenal these days is doubt. Along with fear there is nothing that will tear down a Cancer Patient more.  One of the issues affiliated with my form of Cancer is that at times my throat closes up.  This happens a lot in the middle of the night. So much so that I now sleep in a recliner in the living room so I can slide myself up to try everything possible to catch my breath. Another big side effect is hallucinations.  These two working side by side are quite the brutal duo.

As I wake breathless in the cold dark night I actually picture Reaper now.  Stealing into the corner, creeping quietly behind my chair.  Not knowing what is about to occur I do not even sense his presence as his cold, long, boney fingers lurk forward over the back of the chair as they ” finger walk ” towards me.  I feel just a slight touch as they find their way to the front of my throat and casually begin to close.  I’m in that embrace now.  That death’s dance as they squeeze.  Gasping for air I can feel his hot breath on the back of my neck.  Not hearing words but rather feelings of words in my heart he tells me soon.  I can feel the room start to vibrate and shake as his chuckle becomes a deafening laughter that fills the entire room, but more importantly my soul.

Just that quick he is gone. My breathing returns and all is well for another night.  But there is a difference now.  There is a change.  That ominous feeling has not left. Doubt was also left behind.  And fear?  The fear now lives in the image of the reaper,  lurking in the dark, damp corners of my mind………………………..

Sorry for this one today but this is the place my mind is starting to go.  In trying to give a full but true account to this, stories like this MUST be included…..

From what’s left of the mind

                        They tell me I do some of my best writing when I am hurting and mixed up.  Well, if that’s the case, this one is gonna win a Pulitzer.  LOL

                 Terminal Cancer is a Rollercoaster. It is one hill after the other and one plunge after the other.  Now times that by 7 years.  Wow!  Yeah, welcome to my world.  It has been one turmoil after the other.  3 years ago I started that deep, dark plunge.  We thought it was heading to the end, and boy, I blogged about it daily.  Sometimes even twice a day.  But the powers that be said ” not yet “.  That would be a good thing, huh?  Yeah, maybe not so much.  Instead of standing ovations and pats on the back it was screams of fraud, sudden departures of friends, by the droves.

It’s funny, no matter how hard you try and teach people what this is like, they still try and look at this from a ” normal ” point of view.  Echoes of ” that doesn’t seem right” , even from others fighting, ” well, didn’t happen that way with me”.  Do you have any idea how many times some of us have said, ” if you haven’t been there…..”  and ” every form of cancer, every fight is different.”  I swear, we need to have it on a audio loop.  These have been my rants of the last 3 years.  To no avail, mind you.  No different today.  They say it’s lonely at the top,  well, pretty lonely down here in the bed pan too.  REALLY Lonely

                          Some of you not used to my writings and especially on the bad days are going to find this rambling.  Sorry,  what’s left of the mind follows it’s own script.  I am not in charge anymore.  Not quite sure if I ever was to be honest.  So what is next on today’s mental giant agenda?  CHANGE!  I swear, Oncologists follow the same script as those ” Friends of Bill.”  First thing the terminal sect are told is that ” now is NOT the time to make changes.”  So, question number 1 would obviously be, if I’m terminal  then ” when would the right time be?”  

                             So according to them, don’t change your address because new surroundings could be confusing.  Even if it’s to a new address that could better suit your predicament. My all time favorite, ” Don’t start new relationships.”  Ok, so I’m terminal, not much to look forward to,  shouldn’t Love at the end at least be an option?  Nope, it’s selfish.  Why start something you can’t finish?  How is it any different than the couple that get married and he gets hit by a car on the way out of the Adult book store on their Wedding night?  

I’ll tell you the difference, the terminal one and the one that willingly entered into this have an idea of what’s in store and the time frame in which to get it done!  This one’s big for me because that’s me.  I recently met someone, fell for her, used every caveman tool I had to beat her down and wear her out and here we are, Beauty and the Reaper.  But we’re happy.  No doubts about what’s ahead, so far no regrets so what’s the problem?  I can’t promise years, but hey, the next few months are gonna be incredible!  

” Don’t make any plans”.  That’s another Fav of theirs.  Really?  Don’t make plans, don’t move, don’t start a relationship….  Well, why the hell didn’t somebody tell me I’m supposed to just lay down and die!  Boy that could have saved a lot of pain and anguish for sure.

Here is my summation of the entire ball of wax.  To the terminally ill…..Don’t listen to them, forget the expiration date and live your life like there are plenty of tomorrows!  To HELL with Live like you are dying!!!  Here’s thought… How ’bout we start dying like we are living?

                                    Just the way I look at things from what’s left of my mind  

Army of Angels

I haven’t written in awhile.  I haven’t written about Cancer in a long time.  Guess it’s about time.  You know, 7 years with an illness is cruel.  7 years with Cancer is just inhumane.  But what I’ve learned?  It’s do-able with the right support team behind you.  I have complained and whined; whined and complained about being alone at times, being abandoned.  You know what?  Not the case.  I would take a handful of faithfuls than a butt-load of phoney’s any day.

I guess that’s what this is.  Kind of a Thank you letter;  Kind of a Love letter;  and yeah, I guess kind of a Good bye letter.  Finally after 7 years we’re getting close to that finish line.  But I’m not doing it alone.  Not by far.  I remember blogging a few years back on a bad day.  I was just positive that God didn’t exist; or at least wasn’t in my house.  I was having one of the worst days imaginable and all I wanted was for an Angel to come help me thru.  I prayed and I prayed, I begged and I begged.  Nothing.  I was pretty ticked;  but more than that;  I lost faith.  I remember seeing the comments on the blog saying ” In God’s time” and ” when you need it most, it will be there”.  I swear if I had the energy, I would have tossed the monitor across the room.

It was simple;  God wasn’t there.  Not for me.  And back then you couldn’t convince me otherwise.  But now we have gone active again.  A lot harder this time, a lot faster.  Already I feel weaker than I have in the past.  The difference?  No anger now.  no doubts now.  Cause you see?  They were right…..  And, they were wrong.  My angels didn’t appear when I needed them most.  They’ve always been there.  Just now; when I need them most, I’ve been given the ability to see them and know that they are there.  God planted my first Angel in place 11 years before I would ever be diagnosed,  My Wife.  All the way thru, one setback after the other I would hear her mantra in my ears ” we will get by”.  No matter what, thru personal issues; closures in ways, it didn’t matter.  She was there, and still is even though we now look at each other thru different eyes.

Beginning a year later God sent my second Angel;  My Daughter; Mikayla.  She actually came from Heaven I believe to take my hand thru the worst of times and guide me through.  Some times of course; thru ridicule and anger, laughter and sarcasm.  But always with Love. 2 years later came Tyler.  His job in all of this was to give me strength.  To show me thru example exactly what strength and determination could do.  Watching him become a strong young Man following his dreams, regardless,  gave me the strength to get here now.  After that was a rain fall of Angels to guide me.  I was reunited with my two Oldest Daughters; Cassandra and Rebecca.  A lot of surprises went in to that one.  First off; was the belief that the oldest was going to be my strongest Angel.  When in fact, God had a back up plan.  Daughter number two was there just in case Daughter number one wasn’t strong enough to get thru this hell of an ordeal.  When that day came;  Daughter number two took over and is still walking me and guiding me, hand in hand today. Always there with a well placed phone call or video chat just when needed.

Then came one of my biggest Angels yet;  my Youngest;  Riley.  Two rounds of Chemo and Radiation and birth control.  Little pain in the butt made it here after all.  I guess He gives meaning to ” God sent “.  His was special because I was given the chance to stay home and actually help to raise a Child.  Not thru pictures or letters or recaps of what I had missed.  But actually there;  a ” Godly Distraction” to what was happening too me.  God then dropped two more Angels; My Grand Son Sean; who with a CP diagnosis truly showed me the lesson of determination and will power.  My Grand Daughter Emily who showed me how to laugh again.  All important lessons.

Then God brought me an Army, my original Cancer Group; Curing Cancer with a Smile.  Led by another Angel; Suzanne,  I was given the chance to see Love and Compassion.  With Suzanne, no task was too big.  Late night phone calls.  Endless online chats.  The ability to turn the other cheek when I would go to my ” dark places”.  But of course this part wouldn’t last.  As with all Angels; some of mine were meant as lessons and temporary lessons.  But Suzanne would sustain; still there,  to the end.

I lay here now, looking back and yep, they were right.  When you need them, they will be there.  And they have been, and they are.  But God wasn’t done yet. Looking at what lies ahead,  seeing where we are now,  God has given another powerful round of Angels.  Reaching thru the lines of the last battle; seeing the fallen soldiers lying on the cold hard ground;  God plucked the surviving Angels of CCWS and gave them new life for this final battle.  He united them with a new wave of Angels and created the new group; ” CanSHARE; A Cancer Support Group ” to help me over the final obstacles.  Good enough I’ve thought.  That’ll work I’ve smiled.  But then came Wendy.  God placed an ear close to me.  A soul to turn to about anything; anytime.  Yet another Angel to show me I wasn’t alone.  And I was important.  Then came my final Angel……

A chance at redemption.  A chance to finally get it right.  A chance to not walk thru this alone.  The final hand needed to walk to the end of the journey.  Phone calls at all hours of the day or night. Sometimes not even a word spoken, just a soft breathing coming in the cold, silent darkness.  Hours upon hours of support; even on the bad days.  That last chance……  Knowing I am absolutely not alone.

All in all,  I’ve been pretty lucky.  Shame on me for ever thinking that Angels, or God for that matter didn’t exist.  Truth be told.  They’ve always been there.  And for the most part, most of them are still there.  My Angels.  Pretty much everyone reading this I guess.  Thanks.  Thinking I’m finally equipped for the next step.

Ok, I can do this.  Take a deep breath.  Look around for all my Angels…  ” OK  here we go….”                   CHARGE !!!!!!!

 

A day like all the others

 

I wake to find the day cold, dreary, silent.  Abandoned I find myself alone.  As I begin to focus, the senses kick in and the pain begins to rush upwards toward my brain.  As it rises, every organ awakes in pain.  Within moments I am alive.  Or am I?  Is this life?  I hope not.

The mind is racing now.  Replaying conversations.  Obsessing over guilt.  This adds to the pain.  Emotional pain.  Paranoia begins to plant its daily seeds.  ” Whom will I lose today?”  The body then begins to tremble.  The shakes.  Leg tremors.  Arm spasms.  At times; miniscule convulsions.     A reminder that the body is now awake.  Reality.  Now the senses awake.  Vision slowly focuses.  Never knowing if it will complete the cycle or stall part way there, leaving the day out of focus.  Someday’s in complete darkness.  Hearing will begin to creep in.  Sudden high pitch noises.  Continuing throughout, competing with the noises of the day.  Breathing comes slow, painful with each breath, labored as each breath is fought for.

This is today;  This is tomorrow;  This is eternity.  One more moment.  One more day.  A day like all the others.