Why God?

I am starting to re-blog some of my old blogs now.  Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I am enjoying going back to that place…. Of course I am in a little bit better place now, but I don’t ever want to forget.

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I am laying here, just staring off into space…

My normal daily occupation now. My ritual. You would think that would give me time to think. Maybe, Maybe if I could remember. Remember ANYTHING!


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Mike and Anna at Animal Kingdom, 2011

I wake and see a face. It is my Daughters face, so they tell me. It means nothing to me now. I draw a blank. Laying here I let out a grunt.

People, strangers run to my side to assist. I do not know them now or why they are all running to me. It is all blank. Empty.   These are just a few of my thoughts now.


Many here have been ripped apart lately due to tragic loss. A 14 year old lost to Cancer.  A 62 year old lost to Cancer.

Another in his prime to a choking incident. And just last week a teen suicide.  I lay here and ask one question. Why?  Why should so many suffer so often? How can this be a grand plan? How can this be part of a larger picture? And why can I not remember?  ANY OF THEM!

My heart aches for their loss and for my non-ability to remember, or even to feel.  I do not know what cries louder now, my tears? Or my heart.  Friends call, worried sick, wanting nothing more than to comfort me. Yet I have no recollection. No memories, no feelings.

In a truly Loving God, why are there no answers to my questions? I quite often cry out in pain, with no understanding of why I hurt. They remind me frequently that I have Cancer. Hours later they have to re-live it all over again because I have forgotten.  Why?

Why must things happen that are so cruel and have no understanding? And why can not I remember?  They spend time with me each day now reminding me of my Children. Imagine playing a game to recall your flesh and blood. Imagine your Child coming to you for comfort, and you can not remember. Them that this. Why does this happen? Why does a young life have to end so tragically without any understanding or explanation?

Why do I keep re-living each day, hanging by a thread as they keep telling me. How is this right? Although I can not remember any longer, I have lived a full life. Why do so many have to end and I keep hanging on? I do not understand. I do not know the answers. I guess in so many different ways I can say that I truly do not know you now.  You are my redemption. You are my salvation. Why? If this is to be the case. Why? Why must you wait so long ?

 

This was a post I did back on the 18th of July of 2014.  Things weren’t going so well back then and I had to have help with this one. Obviously, things turned around for a few years since. I Love going back to these to remember.  Remember where I was and where I am now, regardless of how this ends up.  

Looking back now, Brain Cancer is a big part day to day. Depending on the areas of the brain that the tumor rests on determine those complications on those days. This particular part was during memory issues.  And now?  Now I think the reason I am still around is to be able to give insight to how it was.  

This is for :

Steven; Walter; Chris and Hunter.

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